Drawbacks of 'recovery'

I feel like I wanna roll into a ball and cry. I miss him and everything feels wrong. So many similarities to my ex but I know it’s not the same. I feel out of control and like I’m going to start balling any minute now. But I know after I would feel better cuz my tears are filled with all the hurt I feel. Yet I’m scared to cry because I don’t know what will come next. What should I do

What am I suppose to do with my life. I know I can’t continue in nursing like this but my parents will kill me if I switch into a dancing major. They’ll go off on how it’s not a good job and I won’t keep my standard of living but I don’t care anymore. I’ll have a job I love. And actually makes me feel good. But they won’t understand. Knowing I can’t be a nurse kills me, and hearing them yelling will only make me feel worse. They’ll say I should’ve tried harder. But they don’t know how hard I did and they won’t believe me when I tell them. They’ll think I could’ve changed it they won’t believe me that I don’t remember half the shit I do. That I swear its not even me doing it. He’ll I’m my friends trying to be supportive but I’m not sure even she believes it. I think the only one that truly believes me is my bf. but this is so hard on him. And I can’t keep putting him through this shit. I don’t know what to do.
Help me

I feel like I’m going to suffocate. Like someone or something is griping on to me and dragging me through the centre of the earth. Like my lungs are filled with mud and I can’t breath. I swear my depression is back in full swing and all I can do wait it out. I wish I could just spend all day dancing. It’s the only time I can feel like I can breath

I can’t believe how my life had changed. It’s so fucked up now an I don’t even know what’s going on

She cut me. I don’t remember. I never do. I told two people I live with and gave my key to one of them. As a precaution. I’m going to talk to a ‘professional’ today. See what they think :(

I’m tired of hearing her. Tired of dealing with her I can’t do this anymore! Get her away from me :’( I’m scared

FICK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK JUST PLEASE FOR ONCE STAY AWAY FROM ME. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS COME AROUND. YOU ONLY EXIST TO MAKE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL. YOU SHOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE AND I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Again - I hate people.
People who can’t get over something
People who can’t stop making you feel bad
People who don’t understand
People who expect you to do all the work
People who think there better
People who always think they have it worse
People who don’t tell you what’s going on
People who don’t even try to understand
People who only seem to like you when your of use

So in other words more then 99% of people

I hate people -_- mainly just having to deal with tech people over the phone. I don’t know why. It’s just makes me so mad. Especially when the problem isn’t fixed. I would rather just drive to a place and have them look at whatever the problem is. Instead of treating me like an idiot :/ when most times there impossible to understand. It sucks :/ but wait there’s more! I just happen to end up flipping shit which leads to my phone getting chucked to the other side of the room, and its horrible :/ I hyperventilate, my muscle clench and also tend to scratch myself till my arms are red :/ (which is why I have to keep my nails short) I know it’s not normal. I’m over reacting to the extreme :/ but I can’t stop it.